Plenty More Fish Fingers in the Sea: Introducing the Break-Up Diet

‘So what’s your secret?’ Harry asked in his best mock-Gok.

Bella smiled. ‘I’m calling it the Break-up Diet. All the slebs are doing it. Last month was the Five-Two – this month it’s the Misery Plan.’

Food plays an important role in any conscious uncoupling, doesn’t it? In Break Up Club the characters tend to swing daily between grief-induced starvation and comfort eating. Clearly, food and our emotions are inextricably intertwined. With that in mind, here’s how to get yourself through ‘The Sad Gap’ to the other side, where ‘happy’ you is waiting!

Phase One – ‘The Break Up Diet’ (weeks 1-2)

OK, you’re broken. You can’t eat because there is a big glacial rock where your intestines should be. So instead you begin a nutrition plan more ferocious than the 5-2 and the Montignac put together.

‘I’m serious. No food has passed my lips in days. Unless you count my own mucous, from crying so much,’ Bella said. ‘Does nasal mucous have any nutritional value?’

Sorry, that was gross – I promise the rest of this blog will be mouth-watering!
To this end, here is your shopping list for Phase One:

– Negroni – this cocktail is your friend because it has NO MIXERS. You heard me – it’s straight up oblivion. You’ll need 1x bottle of Campari, Martini Rosso and Gin of your choice.
– Prosecco, lots of.

For the mornings:

– Diet Coke (or Fat)
– To keep your stomach lining from eating itself, and for nausea prevention:

– Actimel pro-biotic drinks,
– Yoghurt
– ginger biscuits
– Mini cheddars
– bananas
– Soups
– Smoothies

Essentially, you’re regressing to the diet of a toddler, and that’s totes fine. For now.

Phase Two – Carb-loading (weeks 2-4)
The great news is that the big glacier in your belly will eventually melt, as you start to come to terms with your ‘new normal’. By now, the Food-Gates are ajar enough to squeeze some ACTUAL SOLIDS in. And here’s where you can reward yourself with the fattiest, cosiest food imaginable. Why? Because you’ve got a WHOLE TWO WEEKS worth of Calorie Credits!

Go nuts on:

-Cheese, all of the cheese
-Pasta
-Chocolate
-Ben and Jerry’s Chocolate Fudge Brownie
-Mars ice cream
-More Cheese – Take That if necessary
-Butterkist Microwave Popcorn (butter)
-Macaroni cheese
-Garlic bread
-Treat yourself to a Camembert roaster. Drizzle with rosemary and garlic. Dip all manner of kettle chips into it.
-Cheesecake

Phase Three – Fill the nutrition deficit (week 4…)

It’s time to start showing some love to your poor body, and reacquainting your cells with their old friend, nutrition. Start exercising lots and feeding your body with the good stuff. Then you’ll realise you’re actually self-sufficient and don’t need another human to make you whole! From green peas to fresh fish, the aisles are stuffed with plenty of natural highs and ‘Good mood foods’ to get you happy again in a non-bingey, boozy way.

With that in mind, here’s a suggested meal-plan. **Dons Jarvis Cocker dulcet tones**:

Breakfast: Grapefruit halves, topped with caramelised Demerara sugar. Grill until golden brown. Perfectly bittersweet; just like the end of love.

Lunch – A spinach, rocket, beetroot, avocado salad, with omega seeds, olive oil, balsamic, and Fish Fingers. This’ll give you a nice boost of brain food, so that your head can tell your heart: you are indeed better off without that douchebag!

Dinner – Salmon and leek in a garlic, pesto, white wine and sour cream sauce (tweet me for my recipe) (@loreleimathias), with Arborio rice.

It’s honestly delicious, healthy and guaranteed to cheer you up. Not only that, ‘All the food groups and ingredients are represented’ – as they say in The Breakfast Club. Even self-love; which we all know is the most important ingredient.

(originally published at http://www.danielriding.com/2016/10/author-guest-post-plenty-more-fish.html?platform=hootsuite)

Read more here:

Advertisements

CRAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY? FEAR NOT LOVELIES, I HAVE JUST THE THING 

img_3778
Inspiration! Wallpaper from the Victor and Rolf exhibition at Melbourne’s National Gallery

What’s that you say? You couldn’t reach your front door yesterday for all the cards and presents clogging up the hallway? And you couldn’t get any work done because you kept pricking yourself on all the red red roses on your desk? I know, it was tough day for us all, wasn’t it.

If however, like most of the population that wasn’t your yesterday, then don’t worry, I have just the antidote! If you’re single and you’d rather not be…or if you’ve just finished reading Break-Up Club (ta very much!) and don’t know what to do with yourself, then I present to you the perfect follow-up: sign up to this brilliant new course called Project Love. The only possible hazard I can think of is that you may find yourself with a Wet Wet Wet song stuck in your head for about twelve weeks. I kept singing ‘Love is All Around you’ as it was written on a good few of the lesson notes. But if you can handle a bit of vintage Marti Pellow humming to you then read on…

You can’t hurry love. But you can do a 30 day course in it.

In the words of its lovely founders, Selina & Vicki, “Get Ready for Love is an online course that contains the 30 essential lessons that we’ve found to be the most effective and powerful to get you ready for love and on your way to a happy and healthy relationship.” How it works is, you get emailed 30 interactive lessons to do at your own pace, with homework to do when it suits you. I was lucky enough to try out the course, and I heartily recommend it to anyone – even if you’re already in a relationship! One of the reasons I was drawn to it is that the aims of the course are a little like those of Break-Up Club: to become happy single, because only then can you become part of a happy union with someone else. Cripes, if only Holly or any of my other characters had been on the course, the book wouldn’t have been half as long. Sorry! Anyway – once you’re done processing your break-up via the 12 essential rules, I cannot recommend Project Love enough. It makes for the perfect epilogue. Here’s a bit more about why I liked it…

You’ve got the love. Yeah, You do!

Saying ‘you need to love yourself before you can love anyone else’ has become something of a cliché these days. But the difference is, Project Love really gets you doing it, through easy, practical methods that slowly seep into your daily rituals ’til they’re habitual. The world can be a cold and lonely place sometimes if you’re not a smug married. And that loneliness goes out the window when you realise you’ve got someone there standing by you the whole time. You! 

Any fool can fall in love. But Project Love gets you falling in love the right way… into a relationship that’s built to last. And if you don’t know what the frig any of that means – do the course!

Some highlights:

  • Lucy Sheridan on ‘Comparison Coaching’ – There’s a really interesting section on how we all sometimes sabotage our own happiness by comparing ourselves to others. No thanks to Mr Zuckerberg!
  • The Dating is shit, or is it? podcast has an interesting discussion on how more often than not, heartbreak is just grief for the stories we’ve told ourselves. Without knowing it, we sometimes invent narratives about the person we’re falling for. When we break-up, we have to disconnect with that reality, and let go of ‘that individual who didn’t play to the rules of the game they didn’t even know they were playing’ – the poor little mites. 
  • Visualisations – The course explores lots of ways to get you ready for the relationship you want. Imagining what it looks like is one part of that. One exercise I found particularly powerful was when they get you to imagine it playing on a screen. It reminded me of what Holly does in ‘Break Up Club’, only she does it in a really destructive way. She plays constant re-runs of The Holly & Lawrence Show before they broke up. Numpty that she is, she’s unable to let go of the past and ‘delete the tapes’. Of course, the thing to do to help yourself after a break-up instead is this: press play on the positive images of what you’d like to see in your future, and the things that make you happy – rather than poking at the burning embers of your broken dreams. And that’s where Project Love is so helpful.
  • The Tips on dating are brilliant. I loved happiness coach Gail Schock’s guided meditation for your pre-date-jitters. That said, I must confess I still haven’t ever joined a proper dating site before because a) I just seem to always meet people IRL (what can I say, I’m chatty!) and b) every time I’ve ever briefly tried an app in the past it always seems to end up with me watching jpegs buffering of men holding dogs, and me feeling like it’s all too much ‘ladmin’ – but that’s probably just mostly down to me having a shit data package.
  • Lessons in ‘Self-Care’ – This might sound slightly wanky. But all it means is, it’s good to talk to yourself everyday in the kind of tone you would to a good friend – as opposed to a naggy-Mrs-Mangle-on-crack, which I sometimes do. Self-care also means taking yourself for a date once in a while, and nurturing yourself with daily-acts of love. Just the other day I read a really good article in Red Magazine about why we should date ourselves more. To celebrate this, for Valentine’s Day, Project Love are asking people to write themselves a Love Letter:
static1-squarespace
Image: Project Love

Instead of making this day of love all about romantic love and focusing your attention on others that you love or lust after, we want you to turn all that love right around and in on yourself, starting with the way that you speak to yourself.  It is a life changer and key to your happiness and success.’ Check out how to write the letter, here. Of course, once again these ladies are bang on. Only last week I was listening to a Guilty Feminist podcast where Fleabag’s Phoebe Waller-Bridge did an exercise in counting how many times she judged herself in a day. And this is a writer/actor at the top of her game. See, we all do it! We all need to exercise a little more self-care. The more you do that, the more you actually get a sense that there is someone there, catching you. And that’s the breakthrough moment – suddenly you realise you’re  become the controller of your thoughts and your feelings – no one else is. That’s well worth remembering, whether you’re in a relationship or not.

All the Single Ladies

Lastly, another incentive to joining Project Love is that you get free membership to the warm, friendly community that is the Secret Facebook group ‘The Love Zone’. Take it from me – if you’re going dating (on or offline), then you need these girls in your corner.

And rosecallaghan910x380170x170bbwhile we’re at it, you also REALLY need this girl! A frigging hilarious stand-up comedian I’ve met recently in Melbourne, she’s co-host of a sassy-as-shit podcast about sex and online dating – SwipeNight. I bring you the hysterical and lovely Rose Callaghan. If you happen to be in Melbs for the comedy festival, go see!

So there you have it. Between SwipeNight and Project Love, and your old chums the BUC, you’ve got the best possible support group you could ask for as you ride roughshod through The Jungle Of Single on this, the week of Valentine’s. And who knows, with all that going on, maybe it won’t be long before you’re the proud recipient of one of these puppies:

img_8406
More Inspiration! An excellent card from an achingly cool shop in Melbourne called ‘Quirk of Fate.’ I bought one as soon as I saw it, to give to my next friend that graduates…

If you’re interested in joining Project Love just head here to sign up (and to get a  very good price discount of £20 – Just type in the code Loreleilove) – Good luck! 

Fall In Love With The Museum of Broken Relationships

Slide1

From a singular smelly sneaker, to a half-completed Sodoku puzzle book, my fictional characters would have gladly donated their break-up debris to the Museum of Broken Relationships. But when I first wrote the first draft of ‘Break Up Club’, there was no such thing. So the Club had to make do with building a bonfire that led to the fire brigade being called out, and almost being thrown in jail.

Luckily, now there’s a real place you can send your break-up detritus (date-tritus, anyone?). I was lucky enough to go to the sneak preview ahead of its opening today, June 4th, at 6751 Hollywood Boulevard.*

#BrokenshipsLA is a cathedral of catharsis, where only the brave have shed their most intimate, sentimental memories, and laid their broken dreams to rest. Reading the plaques, the relief is palpable. You get a real sense of these people having finally attained peace in themselves, having finally let go.

Being a geek about break-ups (an occupational hazard), I’ve been to the museum twice before over the years. But this time, I was struck dumb by the quality of the writing in all the stories. I feel disloyal saying this, but I don’t remember the plaques in London all being as impeccably written. Perhaps there has been a more shrewd editing process this time, but they are all brilliantly balanced – both as pieces in themselves, and in relation to each other. Sensitively curated, some stories are brutally short; a real power in their brevity. Others are as long and meandering as the lifetimes they span.

The artefacts range from the funny (a mirror weighed down with the memory of a break-up), the freaky (curled up contacts collected in a baggy), the frightening (belly button fluff)… to the heartbreaking (the teddy who no longer has music in his fingertips)… and the adorably mundane:

minty fresh

At this point I can’t not mention another similarity to ‘Break Up Club’ – which has its own fluoride motif, first mentioned here:

Slide2

But back to the museum. Below are some of my all time favourites.

Yard 2
Heavy baggage
yard1
Free in every sense of the word
comic
Nobody’s hero
The butterfly effect
broken wings
When a butterfly flaps its wings… all the way to the rubbish dump
bearly there1
Bear of little heart
bearly there 2
No picnic
bearly there 3
Uncomfortable silence

After an hour in the Museum, you are bowled over by the universality of break-ups. A sense that Love is the best feeling in the world, whereas break-ups are worse than death. But most of all you come away realising that it’s only by sharing our hoarding with others that we can declutter our emotional attics and finally move on. A break-up shared really is a break-up halved.

In the spirit of sharing, then – if I was ever going to donate an object, it would be one red high-heeled shoe. A symbol of one particularly significant love story I lived through. I won’t bore you with the details, but it began with a romantic Cinderella-esque meet-cute, and ended when the relationship turned into a pumpkin 10 months later. Sadly, I can’t donate the original shoe because the ‘real life Break Up Club’ and I burned it in a bonfire. This was back in 2009, before Zagreb’s first Brokenships had opened. So like my characters, we had to improvise.

I had to laugh when the invite came into my inbox with one red high-heeled shoe on it. 

MoBR_Invite21

IMG_3180

*Incidentally, ‘Break-Up Club’ itself has also finally just opened its doors, thanks to Harper Collins. You can join here, or find out more at breakupclub.co.uk