Dating and Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria – A story I wrote for STYLIST, edited by Amy Beecham, August 2026
Being rejected by a romantic interest is never an easy pill to swallow, but it can be even harder when you’re already navigating autism or ADHD. Here, Lorelei Mathias, a comedian, neurodiversity advocate and author of forthcoming romcom The Break-up Club, shares her experience of dating with AuDHD and what she’s learned about overcoming rejection sensitivity dysphoria along the way.
As told to Amy Beecham.
Swiping the apps until you’ve got RSI. Endless ‘how’s your week been?’ messages. Getting your hopes up, only to be breadcrumbed more than Hansel and Gretel. It’s fair to say that modern dating can feel like a literal bin-fire at the gates of hell for us all. But with an ADHD or AuDHD brain, it can be even more challenging.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 20s, with a side order of autism in my 40s. This impacts my life in a number of ways: I spend a day a week at the lost property office, and I can’t always read social cues, but it also affects how I approach meeting a life partner. Looking back on my dating CV, there have been a few patterns that I now see are universal to AuDHD, even as far back as my first ever relationship.
It was a perfect love story in every way. I was 16; we met in a musical of West Side Story and fell in love. A year later, when it ended because he had to move away, I remember crying in the foetal position, feeling actual, physical pain for the first time… which I now know was not just my first heartbreak, but also my first bout of rejection sensitivity dysphoria. RSD is when you experience a tiny moment of rejection, but your brain sets fire to your emotions, and that’s all you can see, hear and feel and taste for the first 12 hours after it happens. It’s extremely common in people with ADHD; you become emotionally dysregulated, and the pain is disproportionate to what’s happening.
The funny thing is that even 20 years later I was back in that same position: doubled over and grieving a six-month situationship and the loss of a possible future with that person – even when I wasn’t in love with them. It’s just the way we are wired; misplaced dopamine can make navigating relationships even more complicated than usual.
After all, no one enjoys being rejected. But for me?It felt like everything was on fire. In an ADHD brain, the prefrontal cortex – the part that should handle impulse control, regulation and filtering – is deficient in dopamine and underdeveloped. So when you experience a tiny moment of rejection, there is no receptionist there to filter it. It’s like we have an access-all-areas pass to all the happy memories and photo albums but no security guard to stop them. I will ruminate over memories and reminisce on details ad infinitum, like a needle stuck in a record.
People with AuDHD can also find it hard to accept an ending because they can get stuck on the details and the logic of the circumstances. I have an abnormally strong sense of justice and will ruminate over details that don’t add up, which stops me from letting go and accepting things sooner.
Years ago, I had a brief fling with someone famous, who wooed me in a very romantic manner. But then he got diagnosed with a serious illness, and around the same time he did the classic textbook lose-interest-a-few-days-later thing, I didn’t understand whether it was because he was potentially on death’s door or he was rejecting me. My autistic 10% just couldn’t reconcile the barrages of messages one day turning to complete silence the next. So I carried on messaging him when I probably should have just quit. Not being able to do brevity has long been an issue, so I was careful to reword them before sending.
By contrast, there were also times when I’ve taken far too long to end a relationship. At least three of my previous relationships went on twice as long as they should have because I failed to end it due to overthinking. With ADHD, the human tendency to go over ‘what-ifs’ can go on even longer, with no bouncer in your brain to regulate those thoughts. I’ve never been able to tell if it’s genuine moments of doubt I’m feeling or just my frontal lobe sabotaging my chance at happiness.
Invisible disabilities make
navigating modern love more confusing
With an ADHD brain, you need ‘reasonable adjustments’ in dating, just as in the workplace. I keep things unphysical for longer than most people would, just to stop those pesky oxytocin hormones from forming attachments and distorting things. I tend to explain up front that I need there to be a brain connection before I can really engage. I also keep a diary to help me keep track of what are real feelings of connection versus fictional romcoms I’m projecting. But I am also kinder to myself and more patient now that I understand that my brain processes things differently.
I don’t currently have time to date, but when I do, it will be strictly IRL. Apps wreak havoc for my ADHD brain. Dating in 2026 is hard enough before adding the gamification of dopamine addiction, hardwired by Silicon Valley, into it.
Ultimately, invisible disabilities make navigating modern love even more confusing than it already is, but they also help us foster friendships for life and connections that won’t come apart in the wash as easily as some romances.
Credit: HarperCollins
The Break-Up Club by Lorelei Mathias (HarperCollins) will be released on 8 October. Find out more at @loreleimathiaswriter and loreleimathias.com
Images: Christopher Keatinge/ Loreleimathias.com