‘Tis the season of sleep deprivation and liver damage, so here’s a little something to soothe your pain, from our favourite stand-up poet, Mr Matt Harvey.
 

TEA BAG- Matt Harvey
 
You are a four-cornered star, shining rustily in hot water
You are the perforated parachute that makes my morning
Landings soft when I crash in from dreamland
 
You are a savoury scented sandbag
As half-empty as it is half-full
Your permeable membrane an inverted flood-wall
 
You’re the force that through infusion drives my waking hour
A freshwater sponge, soaking up my power
To resist you, I insist you’re always welcome to muddy my waters
 
For when I am blue I brew you up and pour you out into my cup
And offered as soothing ointment to my oesophagus
You are not a disappointment
 
Although you are (a disappointment) as a Christmas decoration
And also as a duvet you’ve a very low tog rating
 
Produce of more than one country
You’re an intercontinental holistic missile
Yes I’ll always keep our mid-morning appointment
For the best of many heavens is
Elevenses
And when you’re hot for me
To be honest
Just one is
Enough per pot for me
 
Consolation prize, fowl-weather friend
Treasure at the rainbow’s end
Calm-inducer, tongue-loosener
Rescue-remedy, biscuit softener
You’re often a subtle social worker
Or community relations officer
 
Peace-broker, mediator
China-stainer, radiator
Nerve-soother, mood-changer
Don’t you ever be a stranger
 
My multi-tasking flask-filler
Waker-upper
Cuppa-maker
Throat-stroker
 
I’ll see you later…