I wouldn’t wish a break-up on anyone. But if you do happen to find yourselves in a similar position to the characters in my book; or if like Ally Sheedy’s character in The Breakfast Club, you have nothing better to do, then here’s a rough guide to creating your own warm, fuzzy and prosperous BUC…It feels pressing to point out that ‘The Real BUC’ was nothing like this um, regimented – these are based on the fictional one! Here goes.
- Find at least one other poor sod that has just had a break-up, or is thinking about it. Your dream scenario is finding someone in the ‘love him/love him not’ limbo like yourself. Then you can both agree to perform what’s known as a synchronised dump. Hurrah! You’re in.
- Once assembled, the main thing is to colonise your Sundays. It’s the saddest day of the week, so make sure you’re never alone, even for a minute. Where possible, congregate in time for brunch (see Rule No.5) with a view to staying over at a co-member’s house. Leave a ‘Boyfriend Pack’* there, of duplicate toiletries, undies and a toothbrush.
- Not to sound like I’m encouraging self-destructive behaviour, but booze really, truly is an integral part of any high-functioning Break Up Club. Stock up well on Prosecco, beer, ale and vodka.
- You’ll want all the members of the Carbohydrate family represented. Stock up pasta, garlic bread, pizza, popcorn. And cheese. All of the cheese.
(here’s Mark, one of our Co-founders, and Lauren, foraging.)
- Also, have lemsip, paracetamols and ginger standing by for when your inevitable a bout of break-up flu strikes. It happened to all of us, during each break-up cycle. It’s cold-hard medicinal fact – something to do with your white blood cells working extra hard to clear all the ex-toxins out of your body? So prepare well.
- You’ll need a soundtrack involving lots of New Romantic songs, and this track by The 6ixths, called ‘Falling Out of Love with you’ which my friend Gaz first got me in to. It’s that perplexing combo of euphoric yet melancholic. The tone is happy and gay; the lyrics stick a knife through your heart. Then you’ll need the other kind of cheese jump around to – and ideally an old, non-precious sofa like the one in the book. To make life easier for you, I curated a Spotify Playlist for #breakupclub. But I’ll be walking you through the peaks and troughs of that at another stop on my blog tour…
- Keep a notepad, paper and blue-tac to hand. Just in case one member needs to list out everything they don’t like about their ex, to remind them they weren’t right for them after all.
- Keep a laptop or ipad to hand, for deletion ceremonies (see rule No. 6).
- Keep box-sets of Girls, Sex and the City, Catastrophe to hand – for when your co-members’ funny-bones are out and you need the professionals.
- Get a large duvet with a good amount of togs.
- While it’s good to take it in turns to ‘host’ at each others houses, it’s also sensible to have a few bars or pubs as regular venues. Just so you can practice being ‘out’ in public, from within the warm supportive bosom. You’ll need places that are small and cosy enough that you can have the odd shoulder sob without being stared at. For us, the main BUC HQ was The BreakFast Club in Camden Passage, Angel, London.
Sod Disneyland: this is the happiest place on earth. You cannot be depressed about having had your heart ripped through your bum – in here, while surrounded by all the warm eightees nostalgia and pancakes with bacon, banana and maple syrup. It’s so wonderful that I had my 30th here and even once interviewed the rather lovely BC founder, Jonathan (aka Ferris)
Since then, there are now about a hundred branches of The BC all over London, so those living in the capital can have their pick. The Angel one’s the cosiest and most fun. So much so that ‘The Real BUC’ and I are going back there tonight for dinner! There’s a bunch of other places to go but I’ll be exploring them in another post called the ‘Heartbreak Guide to London’, coming soon to the internets.
- Lastly, you’ll want to get away from it all at least once a year for your ‘AGM’. Take an excursion somewhere really, really bleak, preferably involving camping in the rain in a badly equipped tent from Lidl. But more on that on this guest post I wrote here!
*More on Boyfriend Packs in another blog